Title: Trust In Love
Author: dalequan
Disclaimer: Farscape is
Rating: pg13

        I remember sitting in the transport staring out into the vast emptiness of space and wondering--why? What had I done to deserve the fate that had been cast upon me? Why was there so much pain and suffering in the Uncharted Territories and why must I be able to feel so much of it.
        Crais did his best to console me. It was a hard task to put on one who could not even console himself in his worst times of need. Who had ever showed him compassion, love, or care? How could he possibly show them to me? I knew what he was thinking because I could feel his uncertainty as if it were mine. He felt guilty and ashamed, afraid that he was holding me wrong, not saying the right words, offending me in some way and I almost laughed. Crais feeling anything except disgust for someone weaker than himself was laughable.
        He had hidden his true feelings since the day his brother and he had been taken by the PeaceKeepers. To feel him trying to rediscover those feelings and to sense it radiating from him like a sun going nova was more than my psyche could handle. I started laughing. It wasn't a nice kind of laugh and he looked up at me in confusion from where he was kneeling in front of me holding me against him. I shoved him away and kept laughing.
        Apparently he thought I was hysterical. I mean, after all; my terminally ill brother had just died prematurely so that we could escape.
        He slapped me. Hard. I stopped laughing. I slapped him back. Before I could strike him again he grabbed my arms and subdued me. He rested his head against mine, his breath was coming in quick little gasps, and his eyes were squinched tightly shut. I could smell the sweet tartness of Tarezian wine on his breath. The intoxicating smell gave me the overwhelming urge to taste him.
        I lifted my head and placed my lips against his. Gently, then harder. His lips parted and he released my hands and drew me tightly against him as he deepened the kiss. Our tongues parried with each other, our bodies sought closer contact, never before in my short twenty cycles had I desired recreation with a man before but for some reason I desired this man.
        He broke away from me and pushed me away. His eyes bored into mine and he tried to look anywhere but at me. He was afraid. I could feel his fear, if I kissed him again I'm sure that I would taste his rue as well.
        "I must see to docking the ship. Please refrain from further physical contact with me. I apologize again for my transgressions."
        "I accept your apology." I coughed trying to clear my throat. My voice sounded alien unto my own ears. Filled with passions and desires that masked its true sound. I wanted him. We both knew that eventually we would recreate, it all depended on who gave in first. Which one of us would let down a lifetime of distrust and fear to allow that part of us that craved Sebecean instinctuality to come forth.
        To mate, not recreate, to desire for pleasure's sake not just to rid ourselves of a backlog of bodily fluids or try to fill the ranks with a birthing but for the pure pleasure of two souls meeting for that fleeting moment that was nirvana. We both wanted it. The question was when...when would we let down our guard enough to say and do what we had been thinking and wanting every since the first day we saw each other.

###

"You have not eaten. Are you unwell?"
I looked up at Bilar and smiled that little smile I know he hates. I can feel his anger building and it excites me. I want him to become even angrier because I know he desires me but he has confused his fear for self-control. It has been over a monen since Nile's death and we have yet to act upon our desires. We dance around them, we taste them from time to time in moments of weakness or anger, but we never complete them. "No I'm just not hungry. Having your brother sacrifice himself so that you might live is a little hard on the appetite." I laughed as he flushed in embarrassment. I mean it wasn't his brother. It was mine. He had had over a cycle to come to terms with his brother's death. He had told me in one of those rare moments when he shared himself unconsciously that it wasn't his fault or the humans fault that Tavou was dead. It was simply a quirk of fate, one of those things that just happens--like our meeting.
        "Please eat something Tia. You are becoming too thin. Your clothes hang off of you and your cheek bones are--."
        "Are what?" I interrupted him angrily and moved away from the small table he had installed in Talyn's food preperation area. "How dare you tell me what I should or should not do! What I should or should not eat. Tia cut your hair, clean this, repair that, get off of my bridge!" I kept pushing him. His eyes darkened and glittered dangerously and the color in his face rose. Methodically without ever taking his eyes off of me he removed the neurotransmitter from his neck and placed it carefully on the table. He did not want Talyn to be privy should he lose control. Should he finally give in to those demons that taunted him from inside his battered psyche. He stood up and began to approach me. I backed away. I had gone to far.
        "This," he flung his arms wide, "is my ship. You are on it because I allow it to be so. Make no mistake," he stepped closer to me and I stepped back again, "make no mistake that when I grow tired of your company, of your belligerance, I will put you off at the nearest commerce planet and Scorpius be damned!"
        He spun on his heels and picked up the device from where he had lain it and replaced it. His shoulders were held rigidly his countenance stark and forbidding. He turned back to gaze at me. His eyes roaming over my figure a mixture of desire and revulsion on his face. Regardless of my present condition he still desired me and I him yet that look he gave me filled me with shame and self disgust.
        His voice was quiet, controlled--almost a whisper. "Eat." Having said that he left the room. Left me alone with food I did not desire to consume; staring at the back of a man I could consume all too easily.

###

        We were working on repairs to the maurader when the damn burst; there was no higher ground to avoid the flood that consumed us. A simple thing really. Hand me this. Hand me that. Hold this for me. An accidental touch turned into a caress. A caress became a kiss which became many kisses and eventually we were reduced to the barest of souls. There was no more hiding who we were, no more dancing around the issues or avoiding the inevitable. It was here and now.
        Bilar was gentle and that surprised me. His kisses were the lightest breezes against my skin, fanning my desire, making me crave more. His touch soothed and enflamed and I begged for more. I gave he took, he gave I took, it all seemed to happen in a blur and yet unraveled so slowly I can envision it frame by frame.
        We weaved as dancers, we parried, in and out and around. Our sweating bodies no longer fasted, our souls no longer walked alone. We were intertwined physically and mentally when we joined, my gift to him. He told me that it was addictive. To be able to feel what your lover was feeling as you made love to them. He craved more and I craved to satisfy him by giving. Many hours passed until we were both spent. The floor grew hard and cold and we both had many bruises and aches now that the drug that was lust had worn off.
        We didn't speak. There was no need to. A bond had formed between us through our coupling. A bond that only death could render null. He picked up our clothes; avoiding my gaze. He was not ready to surrender all but I could wait.
        I walked to him and looked into his eyes. I caressed his proud face between my hands. He swallowed several times and closed his eyes against his pain. Tears fell as I too empathized.
        "I love you," I whispered against his lips, "and I understand. My heart and soul are yours. When you are ready--I will know." I looked at him then. Into those eyes that spoke words his mind and heart could not. Why is it that the strongest of us, the toughest of us--are afraid to love. Afraid of the hurt that loving brings.
        I placed my lips against his and felt his desire stir anew. Bilar flushed then looked down at his lust. He seemed embarrassed by his arousal and the look on his face made me laugh. He growled at me in return. He dropped our garments he had just gathered from the floor and placed his hands around my waist and drew me closer.

That little ironic smile, the tilt of his head, the lift of his brow before his head bowed and his lips met mine again. His heart became traitor, his mind screamed my name and I knew he loved me as well.

End

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